The Cheerful Smugglers Read online

  XI

  THE COUP D'ETAT

  The next morning dawned gloomily. The sky was a dull gray, and asickening drizzle was falling, mixed with a thick fog that madeeverything and everybody soggy and damp. It was a most dismal anddisheartening Sunday, without a ray of cheerfulness in it, and Mr.and Mrs. Fenelby felt the burden of the day keenly. The house hadthe usual Sunday morning air of untidiness. It was a bad day onwhich to take up the load of the tariff and carry it through twelvehours of servantless housekeeping.

  Breakfast was a sad affair. Kitty and Billy, who seemed in highspirits, tried to give the meal an air of gaiety, but Mr. Fenelbywas glum and his wife naturally reflected some of his feeling, andafter a few attempts to liven things Kitty and Billy turned theirattention to each other and left the Fenelbys alone with theirgloom. As soon as breakfast was over, Kitty, after a weak suggestionthat she should help Laura with the dishes, carried Billy away,saying that no matter what happened she was going to church. TheFenelbys were glad to have them go, and Mr. Fenelby helped Lauracarry out the breakfast things.

  "Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I lay awake a long time last nightthinking about the tariff, and something has got to be done aboutit! I cannot, as the father of Bobberts, let it go on as it isgoing."

  "I lay awake too," said Laura, "and I think exactly as you do, Tom."

  "I knew you would," said Mr. Fenelby. "The way Kitty and Billy areacting is not to be borne. They acted last night as if you and Iwere not capable of raising our own child! I really cannot putanother cent in that bank under the tariff law, Laura. Just thinkhow it looks--_we_ are not to be trusted to provide Bobberts with aneducation; _we_ are not fit to decide how to raise the money forhim. No, Kitty and Billy are to be his guardians. They don't trustus; they insist that we shall keep ourselves bound by the tariffsystem. They think we don't love dear little Bobberts, and theythink they can make us provide for him, just because they have thebalance of power!"

  "Yes," said Laura sympathetically. "I thought of all that, Tom, andI don't think it does them much credit. It is easy enough for themto say there must be a tariff, when they bring hardly anything intothe house that they have to pay duty on, but _we_ have to keep thehouse going. _We_ have to have vegetables and meat and all sorts ofthings, and they are making _us_ pay duty, while all they have to dois to eat and have a good time. Bobberts is our child, Tom, and itought to be for us to say what we will save for him, and how we willsave it."

  "That is just what I think," said Mr. Fenelby feelingly, "and I amnot going to stand it any longer. I am going to have another meetingof congress this afternoon--"

  "They will vote just the same way," said Laura, hopelessly.

  "Probably," said Mr. Fenelby. "But if they do we will end the wholething."

  "We can't send them away," said Laura. "We couldn't be so rude asthat."

  "No," said Mr. Fenelby, "but we will secede. You and I and Bobbertswill secede from the Union. I never believed in secession, Laura,but I see now that there are times when conditions become sointolerable that there is nothing else to do. We will give them achance to vote the tariff out of existence, and if they don't wewill just secede from the Commonwealth of Bobberts. We will have afree trade commonwealth of our own, and Kitty and Billy can do asthey please."

  "Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "that is just what we will do!" And so itwas settled.

  By the time Kitty and Billy returned loiteringly from church Mr.Fenelby had progressed pretty well through four of the sixteensections of the Sunday paper, and Mrs. Fenelby had Bobberts washedand dressed and was in the kitchen preparing dinner, which on Sundaywas supposed to be at noon, but which, this Sunday, threatened tobe about two o'clock. Kitty threw off her hat and dropped herumbrella in the hall and rushed for the kitchen. Billy merelyglanced into the parlor, and seeing Tom holding the grim funny pageuncompromisingly before his face, strolled out to the hammock.

  "Laura," cried Kitty, "you _must_ let me help you! And what do youthink? We met Doctor Stafford, and he _did_ prescribe whisky androck candy for Bridget's cold! So I fixed everything all right. Irushed Billy around to Bridget's sister's and Bridget is justgetting over her cold, so she was glad to come back to you. Shesays she never, never drinks except under her doctor's orders, andshe said that if you hadn't been so hasty--"

  Mrs. Fenelby dropped the potato she was slicing. Her pretty mouthhardened.

  "Kitty!" she exclaimed. "Now I shall _never_ forgive you! I will_never_ have Bridget in this kitchen again! It wasn't only that shedrank, it was her awful, awful deceitfulness. It was that, Kitty,more than anything else. I _won't_ have people about me who will notlive up to the tariff poor dear Tom worked and worried to make!_You_ may smuggle, Kitty, if you must be so low, and I certainlyhave no control over Billy, but my servants must not break therules of this house. If that Bridget dares to put her head inside ofthis door I will send her about her business."

  "Laura," said Kitty, "I wish you would be reasonable--like Billy andme. We talked it all over on the way to church, and we saw that itwas Tom's crazy old tariff that was making all the trouble anddriving Bridget away and everything, and we decided we would stopthe tariff right away."

  Laura's chin went into the air and her eyes flashed.

  "_You_ will stop the tariff!" she cried, turning red. "What righthave _you_ to stop anything in this house, Kitty? And it isn't acrazy tariff. It was a splendid idea, and no one but Tom would everhave thought of it, and it worked all right until you and Billybegan spoiling it!"

  "But I thought you wanted it stopped," said Kitty.

  "I don't!" exclaimed Laura, bursting into tears. "It is a nice,lovely tariff, and if I ever said I didn't want it, it was becauseyou aggravated me. I won't have it stopped. I won't be so mean toanything dear old Tom starts. It's Bobberts' tariff. You ought tothink more of Bobberts than to suggest such a thing, if you don'tlove me."

  Kitty stood back and looked at Laura as at some one possessed ofevil spirits. Then she turned to the table and took up the potatoknife and began slicing potatoes calmly.

  "Very well, Laura," she said. "I tried to do what I thought youwould like, but if you want the tariff so badly I shall certainlynot oppose you. Hereafter, no matter what happens, Billy and I willvote for the tariff!"

  "And Tom and I certainly will," said Laura between sobs. "We don'tcare _who_ the tariff bothers, or _how_ much trouble it is. We arealways, always going to have a tariff--for ever and ever!"

  When she told Mr. Fenelby this he was not as happy about it as mighthave been expected. He agreed that under the circumstances there wasnothing else to do; that the tariff must become a permanent fixture;but he did not say so joyfully. He had more the air of a Jobadmitting that a continued succession of boils was inevitable. Job,under those circumstances was probably as placid as could beexpected, but not hilarious, and neither was Mr. Fenelby.

  Dinner was as gloomy as breakfast had been. It developed into one ofthe plate-studying kind, with each of the four eating hastily andsilently. Even Bobberts was not cheerful. He did not "coo" as usual,but stared unsmilingly at the ceiling. Into such a condition does anation come when it suffers under a tax that is obnoxious, but whichit cannot and will not repeal. When a nation gets into thatcondition one State can hardly ask another State to pass the butter,and when it does ask, its parliamentary courtesy is somethingfrigidly polite. Suddenly Mrs. Fenelby looked up.

  "Tom," she said, "there is somebody in the kitchen!"

  Mr. Fenelby laid his fork softly on his plate and listened. Therewas no doubt of it. Someone was in the kitchen, gathering up thesilverware. Mr. Fenelby arose and went into the kitchen. Almostimmediately he returned. He returned because he either had to followBridget into the dining room or stay in the kitchen alone.

  "It's me, ma'am," said Bridget. She planted herself before Mrs.Fenelby and placed her hands on her hips. Mrs. Fenelby arose. "I'vecome back," said Bridget.

  "And you can go again," said Mrs. Fenelby regally. "I do not wantyou, you can go!"

&
nbsp; "Yes, ma'am," said Bridget. "'Tis all th' same t' me--stay or go,ma'am,--but I'll be askin' ye t' pay me a month's wages, Mrs.Fenelby, if ye want me t' go. A month's wages or a month'snotice--that is th' law, ma'am."

  "The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "I have not even hired you,yet!"

  "No, ma'am," said Bridget, "but th' young lady has. She hired mewith her own mouth, at me own sister Maggie's, who will be witnesst' it, an' I have been workin' in th' kitchen already. I've washedth' spoons."

  "The young lady," said Mrs. Fenelby coldly, "has no right to hireservants for me."

  "And hasn't she, ma'am?" said Bridget angrily. "Let th' judge in th'court-house say if she has or hasn't! Don't try t' fool me, MissusFenelby, ma'am. I've worked here before, ma'am, an' I know all aboutth' Commonwealth way ye have of doin' things. Wan of ye has as gooda right t' vote me into a job as another has, Mrs. Fenelby, an' th'young lady an' th' young gintleman both asked me t' come. Even apoor ign'rant Irish girl has rights, Mrs. Fenelby, an' hired I was,t' worrk for th' Commonwealth. An' here I stay, without ye chooset' hand me me month's wages!"

  Mrs. Fenelby looked appealingly at Tom, and Tom looked at Billy.

  "I think she'd win, if she took it to law," said Billy. "You knowhow the judges are. And if she brought up the matter of theCommonwealth, you know you _did_ make Kitty and me full partakers init."

  "Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "pay her a month's wages and let her go!"

  Mr. Fenelby moved uneasily. He had put all his money into Bobberts'bank. In all the house there was not a month's wages except inBobberts' bank. Mr. Fenelby looked toward the bank.

  "Never!" said Billy. "_I_ put money into that, and so did Kitty. Itis for Bobberts, not for month's wages. I object."

  Mr. Fenelby looked away from the bank. He looked, helplessly, allaround the room, and ended by looking at Laura.

  "My dear," he said, "I think we had better keep Bridget."

  "I think ye had!" said Bridget. "For there ain't no way t' git ridof me. I'm here, ma'am, an' I don't bear no ill will. I forgive yeall, an' I'm willin' t' let by-gones be by-gones, excipt one or twothings, which ye will have t' change."

  "The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. Bridget shrugged her shoulders.

  "Have it yer own way, ma'am," she said. "I am not one that woulddictate t' th' lady of th' house. I am no dictator, ma'am, an' Idon't wish t' be, but here I am an' here I stay, an' 'tis no faultof mine if some things riles me temper and makes me act as Ishouldn't. I'm one that likes things t' be peaceful, ma'am, for noone knows how much row a girrl can make in th' house better 'n thanI does, especially when she's hired by th' month an' can't be fired.I can't forget one Mrs. Grasset I worked for, ma'am, an' her thatmiserable an' cryin' all th' time, just because I had one of me badtimper spells. I should hate t' have one of thim here, Mrs.Fenelby."

  "Well," said Mr. Fenelby, controlling his righteous indignation asbest he could, "what is it you want?"

  "I want no more of thim tariff doin's!" said Bridget firmly. "Thimtariff doin's is more than mortal mind can stand, Mr. Fenelby, sir!Nawthin' I ever had t' do with in anny of me places riled me up likethim tariff doin's, an' we will have no more tariff in th' house,_if_ ye please, sir."

  "Well, of all the impert--" began Mr. Fenelby angrily, but Mrs.Fenelby put her hand on his arm and quieted him.

  "Tom," she said, "please be careful! You do not have to spend yourdays with Bridget, and I do! Don't be rash. Send her into thekitchen until we talk it over."

  Bridget went, willingly. She gathered an armful of dishes, and wentinto her throne-room, bearing her head high. She felt that she wasmaster and she was.

  "Now, this Commonwealth--" began Mr. Fenelby, when the kitchen doorhad closed, but Billy stopped him.

  "Stop being foolish, Tom," he said. "What Commonwealth are youtalking about? This is not a Commonwealth--this is an unlimiteddictatorship, and Bridget is sole dictator! Wake up; don't you knowa _coup d'etat_ when you see one? Can't you tell a usurper bysight?"

  Mr. Fenelby looked moodily at the kitchen door.

  "That is what it is," said Billy decidedly. "The dictator hassmashed your republic under her iron heel; your laws are all backnumbers--if she wants any laws, she will let you know. I know thesigns. When a Great One rises up in the midst of a Republic and putsher hands on her hips and says 'What are you going to do about it?'and there _isn't_ anything to do about it, you have a dictator, andall that you can do is knuckle down and be good."

  There was a minute's silence. The Commonwealth was dying hard.

  "I could shake the money out of Bobberts' bank," said Mr. Fenelby,but even as he said it Bobberts wailed. His voice arose clear andstrong in protest against that or against something else. Thekitchen door swung open and the Dictator ran in and approached theHeir, and Bobberts held out his arms.

  "Bless th' darlin'," said Bridget, cuddling him in her arms, butMrs. Fenelby frowned.

  "Give him to me," she said sternly, and Bridget turned to her. Andthen, in the eyes of all the Commonwealth, Bobberts turned his backon his own mother and clung to the Dictator! Clung, and squealed,until the danger of separation was over.

  "You see!" said Billy, triumphantly.

  Mrs. Fenelby sighed. The Dictator had won. The tariff was dead.

  "And in our house," said Kitty, cheerfully, "we won't have anytariff, will we, Billy?"

  "Your house!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, forgetting all about theDictator in the new interest, and brightening into herself again.

  "Our house," said Kitty proudly. "Mine and Billy's."

  "Our house," echoed Billy, blushing. "We can't stand a Dictator, andwe are going to secede and--and have a United State of our own."

  * * * * *

  "Isn't it splendid about Kitty and Billy?" said Mrs. Fenelby thatevening to Tom, as they bent over Bobberts' crib. "And if it hadn'tbeen for our tariff driving them together I don't believe it wouldever have happened."

  "It's fine!" said Mr. Fenelby. "Fine! And that other set of EugeneField will do for a wedding present!"

  THE END

  TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

  Minor changes have been made to correct typesetters' errors;otherwise, every effort has been made to remain true to the author'swords and intent.