Mr. Punch's Irish Humour in Picture and Story Read online

  _Squire (rather perplexed)._ "Hullo, Pat! Where did you get the hare?" _Pat._ "Shure, surr, the cr'atur' was wand'rin' about, an' I thought I'd take't to the 'Wanes'!" _Squire._ "But did the keeper see you?" _Pat._ "Bliss yer honour, I've been lookin' for him iver since I caught it!!"]

  WAITING FOR THE LANDLORD.--_Ribbonman (getting impatient)._ "Bedad, they ought to be here by this toime! Sure, Tirince, I hope the ould gintleman hasn't mit wid an accidint!!!"]

  AN IRISH "BRADSHAW"

  (SCENE--_Westland Row Station, Dublin_)

  _British Swell to Native Inhabitant_ (_loq._). "Haw, haw, pray will youdirect me the shortest way to Baggot Street, haw?"

  _Native Inhabitant._ "Baggit Street, yer honor, yis, yer honor, d' seethat sthreet just forninst ye? Well, goo oop that, toorn nayther toyer right nor to yer lift, till ye khoom to the foorst toorn, and whenye khoom to the foorst toorn, don't toorn down that ayther, but walksthrait on and that'll lade ye to the place _Igs-actly_."

  _Supercilious Saxon._ "Haw, thank yaw, haw!" (_And walks off moremystified than ever._)

  * * * * *

  IRISH VACCINATION.--Professor Gamgee says that, owing to the vagrantcur nuisance, "Hydrophobia in man is increasing in Ireland." This factis one which hom[oe]opathy may suggest some reason for not altogetherdeploring. The canine _virus_ and the vaccine may be somewhatanalogous; and, if like cures like, many a happy cure may be effectedby a mad dog biting a rabid Irishman.

  * * * * *

  _Irishman (whose mate has just fallen overboard with the bucket while swabbing decks)._ "Plaze, captin, do ye rimimber that Scotchie ye tuk aboard the same toime as ye did me? I mane him wot had the lot o' good character papers, an' me that niver had a blissid wan?"

  _Captain._ "Well?"

  _Irishman._ "Well--_he's off wid yer pail!_"]

  "Just make it a couple of shillings, captain dear!"--"No!"

  "Eighteenpence then, major!"--"No!"

  "Och thin, colonel darling, just threppence for a glass o' whiskey!"--"_No_, I tell you!"

  "Git out wid ye thin, ye boa conshthructor, sure an' I know'd ye all the toime!"

  [_N.B._--_The fare is the head of an eminent firm of furriers in Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance_ ]

  CIRCUMLOCUTORY.--_The Parson (who likes to question the boys, now and then, in a little elementary science)._ "Now, can any of you tell me--Come, I'll ask you, Donovan,--What is salt?"

  _Irish boy._ "Iv y' plaze, sir,--it's--it's"--(_after a desperate mental effort_)--"it's the stuff that--makes a p'taytor very nasty 'v ye don't ate 't with 't!"]

  PADDY TO HIS PIG

  Och! Piggy dear, an' did ye hear The thraitors what they say? The rint is due, an' oh! 'tis you, Me darlin', that's to pay. So you, whose squale is music rale To me--the rascals hint That you must doi, an' plaise, for whoy?-- The landlord wants his rint!

  But no, me jew'l! Oi'm not so cru'l, To kill an' murther dead The chum that's ate out ov me plate, An' shared the fam'ly bed. Oi would be loike a fool to stroike A frind to plaise a foe-- If one must doi, why then, says Oi, The landlord, he must go.

  * * * * *

  AN IRISH NATIONAL SCHOOL-LESSON.--

  _Master._ Spell "Patriotism."

  _Scholar._ P-a-t, "Pat;" r-i-o-t, "riot;" i-s-m "ism."

  _Master._ Now spake it together.

  _Scholar._ Pat-riot-ism.

  _Master._ Ah, then, it's the good boy you are entirely.

  * * * * *

  _Irishman (who has run up a score at the inn, to firemen)._ "Play on the slate, bhoys!"]

  AN IRISH DIFFICULTY.--_Pat ("the morning after," reading prescription)._ "'Dissolve wan of the powdhers in half a tumbler of wather, an' th' other powdher in another half tumbler of wather. Mix, an' dhrink whoile efferveshin'.' What'll Oi do? Whoy the div'l didn't he say which Oi was to mix furrst?"]

  _The Colonel._ "Mr. Moriarty, I received this morning a most offensive anonymous letter, and, from certain indications, I am compelled reluctantly to ask you if you know anything about it."

  _Moriarty._ "An anonymous letter? Whoy, _Oi'd scorn to put my name to such a thing_."]

  QUITE ANOTHER THING

  _Paddy_ (_the loser_). "Arrah g'long! I said I'd lay you foive to wan, but I wasn't goin' to bet my ha'f-crown agin your tath'rin little sixpence!"

  [_Exeunt fighting._ ]

  MAKING THINGS PLEASANT.--_Irishman_ (_to English Sportsman_). "Is it throuts? Be jabers, the watther's stiff wid 'em!!!"

  [_"Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous desire to please," as our friend recorded in his diary after a blank day._ ]

  A BREATH FROM THE FAR WEST

  "Can I go a yard nearer on my side, as I've lost the sight of me one eye intirely?"

  _"Pat" Junior (in answer to question by Saxon Tourist)._ "There's foive of us, yer honour, an' the baby."

  _Saxon._ "And are you the eldest?"

  _"Pat" Junior._ "I am, yer honour--at prisent!!"]

  _Irish Groom._ "Will ye send up two sacks of oats an' a bundle av hay."

  _Voice from Telephone._ "Who for?"

  _Irish Groom._ "The harse, av coorse, ye fool!"]

  INS AND OUTS

  _Irish Innkeeper (to "Boots," &c.)._"H'where's Biddee? Out, is she? Bad luck to the hussy! She'll go out twinty toimes for wonce she'll come in!"]

  "IRISH"

  _Polite Young Man._ "Perhaps you feel a draught, madam?"

  _Old Lady._ "No, sir, not this side. I'm always careful to sit with my back facing the engine!"]

  WOKE UP

  "'Tis the voice of the sluggard, I heard him complain."--_Watts._

  _Boots._ "Eight o'clock, surr!"

  _Voice (from the deeps)._ "Why didn't ye tell me that before, confound you!"]

  RULES FOR HOME-RULERS

  The following regulations, to be observed in the Irish Parliament whenit meets on College Green, are under consideration:--

  1. The Speaker shall not speak except when he is talking.

  2. Such terms as "thief of the wurruld," "spalpeen," "nager,""villian," "polthroon," "thraytor," "omadhawn," &c., and such epithetsas "base," "brutal," "bloody-minded," and others named in the scheduleto these regulations, shall be considered unparliamentary, except whenused in the heat of debate.

  3. An Annual Budget shall be presented to the House once a quarter.

  4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into theHouse, except when accompanied by a Member.

  5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however,shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announcesthat he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.

  * * * * *

  SCENE--_An Irish Station. Fair Day_

  _Porter._ "An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"

  _Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home)._ "Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the baste!"]

  * * * * *

  6. A quorum shall consist of forty Members. Should a count-out bedemanded, Members who have been engaged in personal altercation, shallbe included unless they are sufficiently conscious to utter "Erin goBragh!" thrice distinctly.

  7. Duels will be strictly forbidden. Should any Member, however, thinkproper to break this rule, it will be considered a breach of privilegeif he does not invite the Speaker and the whole House to see the fun.

  8. There will be only one Speaker; but two or more Members may beelected to the post.

  9. Only one Member shall address the House at a time, except when twoor more wish to speak at once, in which case they sha
ll not interrupteach other.

  10. A Member when addressing the House shall not wear his hat unless hehas got it on his head before rising, when he shall remove it on anyMember directing the Speaker's attention to the fact.

  11. Under no consideration whatever will the consumption of any spiritsbe permitted in the House. This rule does not apply to whiskey, gin,brandy, and the French liqueurs.

  12. As only the most elegant Dublin English will be spoken in theHouse, no Provincial brogue can be tolerated. To this rule there willbe no exception.

  * * * * *

  _Irish Nurse._ "Now thin, mum, wake up an' take yer sleepin' dhraught!"]

  * * * * *

  PAT'S TRUE BREAKFAST CHRONOMETER.--"Sure, me stomach in the earlymorning is as good as a watch to me. I always know when _it wants'something to ate.'_"

  * * * * *

  A BROAD HINT.--_English Traveller (to Irish Railway Porter labellingluggage)._ "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

  _Porter._ "Shure, your honour, our tongues is the only insthrumentswe're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your honour?"

  [_Hint taken!_

  * * * * *

  IRISH HOUSEKEEPING.--_Bachelor._ "Mary, I should like that piece ofbacon I left at dinner yesterday."

  _Irish Servant._ "Is it the bit o' bhacon thin? Shure I took it toloight the fhoires!"

  * * * * *

  AN EVENING'S FISHING (BEHIND THE DISTILLERY AT SLIGO).--_First Factory Lad._ "Dom'nick, did ya get e'er a bite at all?" _Second Ditto._ "Sorra wan, Pat. Only wan small wan!" _First Ditto._ "Yerrah! Lave it there, an' come home. Shure you'll get more than that in bed!"]

  EXPENDED.--_Guest._ "Will you give me a little champagne?" _Hibernian Waiter._ "Shumpane, sor? Bedad, I've had none meself this two hours!"]

  "OPPRISSION."--_Landlord._ "Tut-t-t! 'O'bless my soul! This must be seen to, Flannigan! The cabin positively isn't fit to live in! Why, you're ankle-deep in----" _Pat._ "Och sure, sor, it's a mighty convanient house, an' that's an iligant spring in the flure, sor. No throuble to go outside for watter whatever!!"]

  RATHER TOO LITERAL.--_Country Gentleman (in a rage)._ "Why, what have you been up to, you idiot? You've let him down, and----" _New Groom._ "Yes, yer honner, ye tould me to break him; an' bruk he is, knees an' all, worse luck!"]

  "READY, AYE READY!" _Officer "Royal Irish."_ "Why were you late in barracks last night, Private Atkins?"

  _Private Atkins._ "Train from London was very late, sir."

  _Officer._ "Very good. Next thime the thrain's late, take care y' come by an earlier one!"]

  _Irish Dealer._ "Ach, begorra, would ye run over the cushtomers? Sure, it's scarce enough they are!"]

  SUPEREROGATION.--_Humanitarian._ "Couldn't you manage to put a little more flesh on your poor horses' bones? He's frightfully thin!"

  _Car-driver._ "Bedad, surr, what's the use o' that? The poor baste can hardly carry what he's got a'ready!"]

  _Mrs. O'Brady._ "Shure oi want to bank twinty pounds. Can I draw it out quick if I want it?"

  _Postmaster._ "Indade, Mrs. O'Brady, you can draw it out to morrow if you give me a wake's notice!"]

  _It is necessary in some parts of Ireland for carmen to have their names legibly written on the tailboard of the car. Inspector._ "What's the meanin' of this, Pat? Your name's o-bliterated."

  _Pat._ "Ye lie--it's O'Brien!"]

  PRESIDENT PAT

  (_From the forthcoming History of Parliament_)

  One blow and Ireland sprang from the head of her Saxon enslaver a newMinerva! Proudly and solemnly she then sat down to frame a Republicworthy of Plato and Pat. Her first president had been a workhouseporter and a night watchman. He was, therefore, eminently fitted bothfor civil and military administration. The speech of President Pat onopening Congress develops his policy and his well-digested plans oflegislative reform. Here are a few choice quotations:--

  The key-stone of Government is the blarney stone.

  Political progress may always be accelerated by a bludgeon.

  Our institutions must be consolidated by soft soap and whacks.

  The people's will is made known by manifesto, and by many fists too.

  _Clerk._ "Return?"

  _Pat._ "Phwat for ud Oi be wantin' a returrn ticket when Oi'm here already?"]

  Every man shall be qualified to sit in Congress that is a 10 lb. pig-holder, provided that the pig and the member sleep under the same roof.

  Members of Congress will be remunerated for their public services. Gentlemen wearing gloves only to have the privilege of shaking the president's hand. The unwashed to be paid at the door.

  Pipes will not be allowed on the Opposition benches, nor may any member take whiskey until challenged by the president.

  Under no circumstances will a member be suffered to sit with his blunderbuss at full-cock, nor pointed at the president's ear.

  Our ambassadors will be chosen from our most meritorious postmen, so that they may have no difficulty in reading their letters.

  The Foreign Office will be presided over by a patriotic editor who has travelled in New South Wales and is thoroughly conversant with its language.

  Instead of bulwarks, the island will be fortified by Irish bulls; our military engineers being of opinion that no other horn-works are so efficient or necessary.

  To prevent heart-burnings between landlord and tenant, a Government collector of rents will be appointed, and tenant-right shall include a power to shoot over the land, and at any one on it.--_Punch_, 1865.

  * * * * *

  THE TRIUMPHS OF TEMPER.--_Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a mile)._ "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"

  _Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper)._ "Ah thin, sor, niver mind her! Sit still! Don't give her the satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av ye!!"]

  * * * * *

  "MASTER'S away from home, sir. Would you please to leave your name?"

  "Faix, an' what should I be lavin' me name forr, bedad! when he knowsme quite well?"

  * * * * *

  RATHER MIXED.--The following is from _The Irish Times_ on"Landslips":--"To feel the solid earth rock beneath his feet, to havehis natural foothold on the globe's surface swept, so to speak, out ofhis grasp, is to the stoutest heart of man terrifying in the extreme."

  * * * * *

  FROM IRELAND.--Good name for an auctioneer's wife--Biddy.

  * * * * *

  HIBERNIAN ARITHMETIC

  Shure multiplication--of chiefs--_is_ vexation, But faix, there is fun in substhraction. Addition will you knit with me as one unit, And unity flabberghasts faction. As for rule o' three!--betther one, and that me! The wise, and the sthrong, and the clever! But till _Oi_'m up top, and all over the shop, I'll cry, "Long division for iver!"

  * * * * *

  ECONOMY.--_Pat._ "And ye say, if I take this one, I'll save ha'f the fuul? Bedad!"--(_struck with a bright idea_)--"I'll take a pair of 'em--and save it all--!!"]

  _Fisherman (beginner)._ "Don't you think, Peter, I've improved a good deal since I began?"

  _Peter (anxious to pay a compliment)._ "You have, sorr. But sure it was aisy for _you_ to improve, sorr!"]

  _Irish Bag Carrier (commenting on the crack shot of the party)._ "Sure, thin, and I do not think much av him! Ivery lot o' birds he'll be afther firin' both barrels of his gun, and divil a one he kills but two!"]

  GROVES OF BLARNEY.--"And it's a perfect miracle the sounds ye manage to extract from that old tin kettle, Miss Cecilia; sure we don't hear the dumb notes at all!"]

  A MISUNDERSTANDING
.--_His Master._ "Did you take those boots of mine to be soled, Larry?"

  _Irish Valet._ "I did, sor, and see the thrifle the blag'yard gave me for'm!--'said they were purty nigh wore through!!"]

  IRISH INGENUITY.--_Saxon Tourist._ "What on earth are you lowering the shafts for?" (_He has just found out that this man[oe]uvre is gone through at every ascent._)

  _Car-Driver._ "Shure, yer 'onner, we'll make 'm b'lave he's goin' down hill!"]

  TRANSPOSITION.--_Irish Sergeant._ "Mark time! Change your stip, that man!"

  _Recruit._ "If ye plaze surr----"

  _Sergeant._ "Silence--an' fall out at oncet an' change your feet!"]

  REMINISCENCES OF HEDGE-FIRING

  _Itinerant Photographer (from under the cloth)._ "Will you keep quiet? How do you suppose----"

  _Subject (who is evading the focus)._ "Be jabers, man! will I sit still to be shot at?!!"]

  "IN EXTREMIS."--Pat. "Do ye buy rags and bones here?"

  _Merchant._ "We do, surr."

  _Pat._ "Thin, be jabers! put me on the schkales!!"]

  THE VERDICT.--_First Irishman (waiting in the corridor--to his friend, rushing in from the Court)._ "What's Tim got?"

  _Second Irishman (in a breathless whisper)._ "For loife!"

  _First Irishman._ "For loife!" (_With emotion._) "Och shure, he won't live half the thoime!!"]