Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great Read online

  II. THE ADVENTURE OF MR. SILAS BOGGS

  BEFORE my friend Perkins became famous throughout the advertisingworld,--and what part of the world does not advertise,--he was atone time a soliciting agent for a company that controlled the "patentinsides" of a thousand or more small Western newspapers. Later, myfriend Perkins startled America by his renowned advertising campaignfor Pratt's hats; and, instead of being plain Mr. Perkins of Chicago, heblossomed into Perkins of Portland. Still later, when he put Perkins'sPatent Porous Plaster on the market, he became great; became Perkins theGreat, in fact; and now advertisers, agents, publishers, and the worldin general, bow down and worship him. But I love to turn at times fromthe blaze of his present glory to those far-off days when he was still astruggling amateur, just as we like to read of Napoleon's early history,tracing in the small beginnings of their lives the little rivulets ofgenius that later overwhelmed the world, and caused the universe topause in stupefaction.

  Who would have thought that the gentle Perkins, who induced Silas Boggsto place a five-line ad. in a bunch of back-county weeklies, would everthrill the nation with the news that

  Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Make all pains and aches fly faster, andkeep up the thrill until the Perkins Plaster was so to speak, in everymouth!

  And yet these two men were the same. Plain Perkins, who urged and beggedand prayed Silas Boggs to let go of a few dollars, and Perkins theGreat, the Originator,--Perkins of Portland, who originated the SoapDust Triplets, the Smile that Lasts for Aye, Ought-to-hawaBiscuit,--who, in short, is the father, mother, and grandparent of modernadvertising, are the selfsame Perkinses. From such small beginnings canthe world's great men spring.

  In the days before the kodak had a button to press while they dothe rest; even before Royal Baking Powder was quite so pure as"absolutely,"--it was then about 99 99/100% pure, like Ivory Soap,--inthose days, I say, long before Soapine "did it" to the whale, Mr. SilasBoggs awoke one morning, and walked out to his wood-shed in a pair ofcarpet slippers. His face bore an expression of mingled hope and doubt;for he was expecting what the novelists call an interesting event,--infact, a birth,--and, quite as much in fact, a number of births--anywherefrom five to a dozen. Nor was Silas Boggs a Mormon. He was merely theowner of a few ravenous guinea-pigs. It is well known that in the matterof progeny the guinea-pig surpasses the famous Soap Dust, although thathas, as we all know, triplets on every bill-board.

  Mr. Silas Boggs was not disappointed. Several of his spotted pets haddone their best to discountenance race suicide; and Silas, having putclean water and straw and crisp lettuce leaves in the pens, began toexamine the markings of the newcomers, for he was an enthusiast on thesubject of guinea-pigs. He loved guinea-pigs as some connoisseurslove oil paintings. He was fonder of a nicely marked guinea-pig than adilettante is of a fine Corot. And his fad had this advantage. You canplace a pair of oil paintings in a room, and leave them there for ages,and you will never have another oil painting unless you buy one; butif you place a pair of guinea-pigs in a room--then, as Rudyard says sooften, that is another story.

  Suddenly Mr. Silas Boggs stood upright and shouted aloud in joy. Hehopped around the wood-shed on one leg, clapping his hands and singing.Then he knelt down again, and examined more closely the little spottedcreature that caused his joy. It was true, beyond doubt! One of his pigshad presented him with something the world had never known before--alop-eared guinea-pig! His fame was sure from that moment. He would beknown to all the breeders of guinea-pigs the world over as the owner ofthe famous lop-eared spotted beauty. He christened her Duchess on thespot, not especially because duchesses have lop-ears, but because heliked the name. That was in the days before people began calling thingsNearwool and Ka-bosh-ko and Ogeta Jaggon, and similar made-to-ordernames.

  To Mr. Boggs, in the midst of his joy, came a thought; and he feverishlyraked out with his hands the remaining newly born guinea-piglets,examining one after another. Oh, joy! He almost fainted! There wasanother lop-eared pig in the litter; and, what filled his cup tooverflowing, he was able to christen the second one Duke!

  At that moment Perkins walked into the wood-shed. Perkins at that timehad a room in the Silas Boggs mansion, and he entered the wood-shedmerely to get an armful of wood with which to replenish his fire.

  "Well, Boggs," he remarked in his cheerful way--and I may remark that,since Perkins has become famous, every advertising agent has copied hischeerful manner of speech, so that the ad. man who does not greet youwith a smile no longer exists--

  "Well, Boggs," he remarked, "more family ties, I see. Great thing,family ties. What is home without sixty-eight guinea-pigs?"

  Silas Boggs grinned. "Perkins!" he gasped. "Perkins! Oh, Perkins! Mydear Perkins!" But he could get no farther, so overcome was he by hisemotions. It was fully ten minutes before he could fully and clearlyexplain that the stork had brought him a pair--the only pair--oflop-eared guinea-pigs; and in the meantime Perkins had loaded his leftarm with stove wood, and stood clasping it, overhand, with his rightarm. When Silas Boggs managed to tell his wonderful news, Perkinsdropped the armful of wood on the floor with a crash.

  "Boggs!" he cried, "Boggs! Now is your chance! Now is your goldenopportunity! Advertise, my boy, advertise!"

  "What?" asked Silas Boggs, in amazement.

  "I say--advertise!" exclaimed Perkins again.

  "And I say--advertise what?" said Silas Boggs.

  "Advertise what?" Perkins ejaculated. "What should you advertise, butSilas Boggs's Celebrated Lop-eared Guinea-pigs? What has the world beenwaiting and longing and pining for but the lop-eared guinea-pig? Why hasthe world been full of woe and pain, but because it lacked lop-earedguinea-pigs? Why are you happy this morning? Because you have lop-earedguinea-pigs! Don't be selfish, Silas--give the world a chance. Let theminto the joy-house on the ground floor. Sell them lop-eared guinea-pigsand joy. Advertise, and get rich!"

  Silas Boggs shook his head.

  "No!" he said. "No! I can't. I have only two. I'll keep them."

  Perkins seated himself on the wood-pile.

  "Silas," he said, "if I understand you, one of these lop-earedguinea-pigs is a lady, and the other is a gentleman. Am I right?"

  "You are," remarked Silas Boggs.

  "And I believe the guinea-pigs usually marry young, do they not?" askedPerkins.

  "They do," admitted Silas Boggs.

  "I think, if I am not mistaken," said Perkins, "that you have told methey have large and frequent families. Is it so?"

  "Undoubtedly," agreed Silas Boggs.

  "And you have stated," said Perkins, "that those families many young andhave large and frequent families that also marry young and have largeand frequent families, have you not?"

  "I have! I have!" exclaimed Silas Boggs, beginning to warm up.

  "Then," said Perkins, "in a year you ought to have many, many lop-earedguinea-pigs. Is that correct?"

  "I ought to have thousands!" cried Silas Boggs, in ecstasy.

  "What is a pair of common guinea-pigs worth?" asked Perkins.

  "One dollar," said Silas Boggs. "A lop-eared pair ought to be worth twodollars, easily."

  "Two dollars!" cried Perkins. "Two fiddlesticks! Five dollars, you mean!Why, man, you have a corner in lop-ears. You have all there are. Shakehands!"

  The two men shook hands solemnly. Mr. Perkins was hopefully solemn. Mr.Boggs was amazedly solemn.

  "I shake your hand," said Perkins, "because I congratulate you on yourfortune. You will soon be a wealthy man." He paused, and then added, "Ifyou advertise judiciously."

  There were real tears in the eyes of Silas Boggs, as he laid his armaffectionately across Perkins's shoulders.

  "Perkins," he said, "I can never repay you. I can never even thank you.I will advertise. I'll go right into the house and write out anorder for space in every paper you represent. How many papers do yourepresent, Perkins?"

  Perkins coughed.

  "Perhaps," he said, gently, "we had better begin small. Perhaps we ha
dbetter begin with a hundred or so. There is no use overdoing it. Ihave over a thousand papers on my list; and if the lop-eared brandof guinea-pig shouldn't be as fond of large families as the commonguinea-pig is--if it should turn out to be a sort of fashionableAmerican family kind of guinea-pig, you know--you might have troublefilling orders."

  But Silas Boggs was too enthusiastic to listen to calm advice. He wavedhis arms wildly above his head.

  "No! no!" he shouted. "All, or none, Perkins! No half-measures withSilas Boggs! No skimping! Give me the whole thousand! I know whatadvertising is--I've had experience. Didn't I advertise for a positionas vice-president of a bank last year--and how many replies did I get?Not one! Not one! Not one, Perkins! I know, you agents are always toosanguine. But I don't ask the impossible. I'm easily satisfied. If Isell one pair for each of the thousand papers I'll be satisfied, andI'll consider myself lucky. And as for the lop-eared guinea-pigs--youfurnish the papers, and the guinea-pigs will do the rest!"

  Thus, in the face of Perkins's good advice, Silas Boggs inserted a smalladvertisement in the entire list of one thousand country weeklies, andpaid cash in advance. To those who know Perkins the Great to-day, suchfolly as going contrary to his advice in advertising matters would beunthought of. His word is law. To follow his advice means success; toneglect it means failure.

  He is infallible. But in those days, when his star was but rising abovethe horizon, he was not, as he is now, considered the master andleader of us all--the king of the advertising world--mighty giant ofadvertising genius among the dwarfs of imitation. So Silas Boggs refusedhis advice.

  The next month the advertisement of the Silas Boggs Lop-earedGuinea-pigs began to appear in the weekly newspapers of the West. Theadvertisement, although small, was well worded, for Perkins wrote ithimself. It was a gem of advertising writing. It began with a small cutof a guinea-pig, which, unfortunately, appeared as a black blot in manyof the papers; but this, perhaps, lent an air of mystery to the cut thatit would not otherwise have had. The text was as follows:

  "The Celebrated Lop-eared Andalusian Guinea-pigs! Hardy and prolific!One of nature's wonders! Makes a gentle and affectionate pet. For youngor old. YOU CAN MAKE MONEY by raising and selling Lop-eared AndalusianGuinea-pigs. One pair starts you in business. Send money-order for $10to Silas Boggs, 5986 Cottage Grove Avenue, Chicago, HI., and receive ahealthy pair, neatly boxed, by express."

  To Silas Boggs the West had theretofore been a vague, colorlessexpanse somewhere beyond the West Side of Chicago. Three days after hisadvertisements began to appear, he awoke to the fact that the West isa vast and mighty empire, teeming with millions of souls. And to SilasBoggs it seemed that those souls had been sleeping for ages, only tobe called to life by the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pig. The lop-earedAndalusian guinea-pig was the one touch that made the whole West kin.Mail came to him by tubfuls and basketfuls. People who despised andreviled the common guinea-pig were impatient and restless because theyhad lived so long without the sweet companionship of the lop-earedAndalusian. From Tipton, Ia., and Vida, Kan., and Chenawee, Dak.,and Orangebloom, Cal., came eager demands for the hardy and prolificlop-ear. Ministers of the gospel and babes in arms insisted on havingthe gentle and affectionate Andalusian lop-eared guinea-pigs.

  The whole West arose in its might, and sent money-orders to Silas Boggs.And Silas Boggs opened the letters as fast as he could, and smiled. Hepiled the blue money-orders up in stacks beside him, and smiled. SilasBoggs was one large, happy smile for one large, happy week. Then hefrowned a little.

  For all was not well with the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pigs. Theywere not as hardy as he had guaranteed them to be. They seemed to havethe pip, or glanders, or boll-weevil, or something unpleasant. The Dukewas not only lop-eared, but seemed to feel loppy all over. The Duchess,in keeping with her name, evinced a desire to avoid common society,and sulked in one corner of her cage. They were a pair of very effetearistocrats. Silas Boggs gave them catnip tea and bran mash, or othersterling remedies; but the far-famed lop-eared Andalusians pined away.And, as Silas Boggs sat disconsolately by their side, he could hear themail-men relentlessly dumping more and more letters on the parlor floor.

  The West was just beginning to realize the desirability of havinglop-eared guinea-pigs at the moment when lop-eared guinea-pigs were onthe point of becoming as extinct as the dodo and mastodon. In a day ortwo they became totally extinct, and the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pigexisted no more. Silas Boggs wept.

  But his tears did not wash away the constantly increasing heaps oforders. He ordered Perkins to withdraw his advertisement, but still theorders continued to come, and Silas Boggs, assisted by a corps of young,but industrious, ladies, began returning to the eager West the beautifulblue money-orders; and, if anything sends a pang through a man's breast,it is to be obliged to return a money-order uncashed.

  By the end of the month the incoming orders had dwindled to a fewthousand daily--about as many as Silas Boggs and his assistants couldreturn. By the end of the next month they had begun to make noticeableinroads in the accumulated piles of orders; and in two months more thefloor was clear, and the arriving orders had fallen to a mere dribbleof ten or twelve a day, but the hair of Silas Boggs had turned gray, andhis face was old and wan.

  Silas Boggs gave away all his guinea-pigs--the sight of them brought onsomething like a fit. He could not even bear to see a lettuce leafor cabbage-head. He will walk three blocks to avoid passing an animalstore, for fear he might see a guinea-pig in the window. Only a few daysago I was praising a certain man to him, and happened to quote the linefrom Burns,--

  "Rank is but the guinea's stamp,"

  but when I came to the word "guinea," I saw Silas Boggs turn pale, andput his hand to his forehead.

  But he cannot escape the results of his injudicious advertising, evenat this day, so many years after. From time to time some one in the Westwill unpack a trunk that has stood for years in some garret, and espyinga faded newspaper laid in the bottom of the trunk, will glance atit curiously, see the advertisement of the lop-eared Andalusianguinea-pigs, and send Silas Boggs ten dollars.

  For an advertisement, like sin, does not end with the day, but goes onand on, down the mighty corridors of time, and, like the hall-boy ina hotel, awakes the sleeping, and calls them to catch a train that,sometimes, has long since gone, just as the lop-eared Andalusians havegone.