Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great Read online

  IV. THE ADVENTURE OF THE FIFTH STREET CHURCH

  AFTER that Glaubus affair, I did not see Perkins for nearly a year. Hewas spending his money somewhere, but I knew he would turn up when itwas gone; and one day he entered my office hard up, but enthusiastic.

  "Ah," I said, as soon as I saw the glow in his eyes, "you have anothergood thing? Am I in it?"

  "In it?" he cried. "Of course, you're in it! Does Perkins of Portlandever forget his friend? Never! Sooner will the public forget that'Pratt's Hats Air the Hair,' as made immortal by Perkins the Great!Sooner will the world forget that 'Dill's Pills Cure All Ills,' astaught by Perkins!"

  "Is it a very good thing, this time?" I asked.

  "Good thing?" he asked. "Say! Is the soul a good thing? Is a man's righthand a good thing? You know it! Well, then, Perkins has fathomed thesoul of the great U. S. A. He has studied the American man. He haswatched the American woman. He has discovered the mighty lever thatheaves this glorious nation onward in its triumphant course."

  "I know," I said, "you are going to start a correspondence school ofsome sort."

  Perkins sniffed contemptuously.

  "Wait!" he cried imperiously.

  "See the old world crumbling to decay! See the U. S. A. flying to thefront in a gold-painted horseless band-wagon! Why does America triumph?What is the cause and symbol of her success? What is mightier than thesword, than the pen, than the Gatling gun? What is it that is in everyhand in America; that opens the good things of the world for rich andpoor, for young and old, for one and all?"

  "The ballot-box?" I ventured.

  Perkins took something from his trousers pocket, and waved it in theair. I saw it glitter in the sunlight before he threw it on my desk. Ipicked it up and examined it. Then I looked at Perkins.

  "Perkins," I said, "this is a can-opener." He stood with folded arms,and nodded his head slowly.

  "Can-opener, yes!" he said. "Wealth-opener; progress-opener!" He putone hand behind his ear, and glanced at the ceiling. "Listen!" he said."What do you hear? From Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon; from thepalms of Florida to the pines of Alaska--cans! Tin cans! Tin cans beingopened!"

  He looked down at me, and smiled.

  "The back-yards of Massachusetts are full of old tin cans," heexclaimed. "The gar-bage-wagons of New York are crowned with old tincans. The plains of Texas are dotted with old tin cans. The towns andcities of America are full of stores, and the stores are full of cans.The tin can rules America! Take away the tin can, and America sinks tothe level of Europe! Why has not Europe sunk clear out of sight? BecauseAmerica sends canned stuff to their hungry hordes!" He leaned forward,and, taking the can-opener from my hand, stood it upright against myinkstand. Then he stood back and waved his hand at it.

  "Behold!" he cried. "The emblem of American genius!"

  "Well," I said, "what are you going to sell, cans or can-openers?"

  He leaned over me and whispered.

  "Neither, my boy. We are going to give can-openers away, free gratis!"

  "They ought to go well at that price," I suggested.

  "One nickel-plated Perkins Can-opener free with every can of our goods.At all grocers," said Perkins, ignoring my remark.

  "Well, then," I said, for I caught his idea, "what are we going to putin the cans?"

  "What do people put in cans now?" asked Perkins.

  I thought for a moment.

  "Oh!" I said, "tomatoes and peaches and com, sardines, and salmon,and--"

  "Yes!" Perkins broke in, "and codfish, and cod-liver oil, and keroseneoil, and cottonseed-oil, and axle-grease and pie! Everything! But whatdon't they put in cans?"

  I couldn't think of a thing. I told Perkins so. He smiled and made alarge circle in the air with his right forefinger.

  "Cheese!" he said. "Did you ever see a canned cheese?"

  I tried to remember that I had, but I couldn't. I remembered pottedcheese, in nice little stone pots, and in pretty little glass pots.

  Perkins sneered.

  "Yes," he said, "and how did you open it?"

  "The lids unscrewed," I said.

  Perkins waved away the little stone and the little glass pots.

  "No good!" he cried. "They don't appeal to the great American person. Isee," he said, screwing up one eye--"I see the great American person. Ithas a nickel-plated, patent Perkins Can-opener in its hand. It goes intoits grocer shop. It asks for cheese. The grocer shows it plain cheese bythe slice. No, sir! He shows it potted cheese. No, sir! What the greatAmerican person wants is cheese that has to be opened with acan-opener. Good cheese, in patent, germ-proof, air-tight, water-tight,skipper-tight cans, with a label in eight colors. Full cream, fullweight, full cans; picture of a nice clean cow and red-cheeked dairymaidin short skirts on front of the label, and eight recipes for Welshrabbits on the back." He paused to let this soak into me, and thencontinued:

  "Individual cheese! Why make cheese the size of a dish-pan? Becausegrandpa did? Why not make them small? Perkins's Reliable Full CreamCheese, just the right size for family use, twenty-five cents a can,with a nickel-plated Perkins Can-opener, free with each can. At allgrocers."

  That was the beginning of the Fifth Street Church, as you shall see.

  We bought a tract of land well outside of Chicago, and, to make it soundwell on our labels, we named it Cloverdale. This was Perkins's idea.He wanted a name that would harmonize with the clean cow and the rosymilkmaid on our label.

  We owned our own cows, and built our own dairy and cheese factory, andmade first-class cheese. As each cheese was just the right size to fitin a can, and as the rind would protect the cheese, anyway, it wasnot important to have very durable cans, so we used a can that was allcardboard, except the top and bottom. Perkins insisted on having the topand bottom of tin, so that the purchaser could have something to openwith a can-opener; and he was right. It appealed to the public.

  The Perkins cheese made a hit, or at least the Perkins advertisingmatter did. We boomed it by all the legitimate means, in magazines,newspapers, and street-cars, and on bill-boards and kites; and we gotout a very small individual can for restaurant and hotel use. It got tobe the fashion to have the waiter bring in a can of Perkins's cheese,and show the diner that it had not been tampered with, and then open itin the diner's sight.

  We ran our sales up to six hundred thousand cases the first year, andequalled that in the first quarter of the next year; and then the cheesetrust came along, and bought us out for a cool eight-hundred thousand,and all they wanted was the good-will and trade-mark. They had a factoryin Wisconsin that could make the cheese more economically. So we wereleft with the Cloverdale land on our hands, and Perkins decided to makea suburb of it.

  Perkins's idea was to make Cloverdale a refined and aristocratic suburb;something high-toned and exclusive, with Queen Anne villas, and nofences; and he was particularly strong on having an ennobling religiousatmosphere about it. He said an ennobling religious atmosphere wasthe best kind of a card to draw to--that the worse a man was, the moreanxious he was to get his wife and children settled in the neighborhoodof an ennobling religious atmosphere.

  So we had a map of Cloverdale drawn, with wide streets running oneway and wide avenues crossing the streets at right angles, and ourold cheese factory in a big square in the centre of the town. It wasa beautiful map, but Perkins said it lacked the ennobling religiousatmosphere; so the first thing he did was to mark in a few churches. Hebegan at the lower left-hand corner, and marked in a church at the cornerof First Street and First Avenue, and put another at the corner of SecondStreet and Second Avenue, and so on right up on the map. This made abeautiful diagonal row of churches from the upper right-hand corner tothe lower left-hand corner of the map, and did not miss a street. Perkinspointed out the advertising value of the arrangement:

  "Cloverdale, the Ideal Home Site. A Church on Every Street. Ennobling Religious Atmosphere. Lots on Easy Payments."

  The old cheese factory was to be the Cloverdale C
lub-house, and we setto work at once to remodel it. We had the stalls knocked out of thecow-shed, and made it into a bowling-alley, and added a few cupolas andverandas to the factory, and had the latest styles of wall-paper put onthe walls, and in a few days we had a first-class club-house.

  But we did not stop there. Perkins was bound that Cloverdale should befirst-class in every respect, and it was a pleasure to see him markingin public institutions. Every few minutes he would think of a newone and jot it down on the map; and every time he jotted down anopera-house, or a school-house, or a public library, he would raise theprice of the lots, until we had the place so exclusive, I began to fearI couldn't afford to live there. Then he put in a street-car line anda water and gas system, and quit; for he had the map so full of thingsthat he could not put in another one without making it look mussy.

  One thing Perkins insisted on was that there should be no factories. Hesaid it would be a little paradise right in Cook County. He liked thephrase, "Paradise within Twenty Minutes of the Chicago Post-office,"so well that he raised the price of the lots another ten dollars allaround.

  Then we began to advertise. We did not wait to build the churches northe school-house, nor any of the public institutions. We did not evenwait to have the streets surveyed. What was the use of having twenty orthirty streets and avenues paved when the only inhabitants were Perkinsand I and the old lady who took care of the Club-house? Why should werush ourselves to death to build a school-house when the only personin Cloverdale with children was the said old lady? And she had only onechild, and he was forty-eight years old, and in the Philippines.

  We began to push Cloverdale hard. There wasn't an advertising schemethat Perkins did not know, and he used them all. People would open theirmorning mail, and a circular would tell them that Cloverdale had anennobling religious atmosphere. Their morning paper thrust a view ofthe Cloverdale Club-house on them. As they rode down-town in thestreet-cars, they read that Cloverdale was refined and exclusive. Thebill-boards announced that Cloverdale lots were sold on the easy paymentplan. The magazines asked them why they paid rent when Cloverdale landwas to be had for little more than the asking. Round-trip tickets fromChicago to Cloverdale were furnished any one who wanted to look at thelots. Occasionally, we had a free open-air vaudeville entertainment.

  Our advertising campaign made a big hit. There were a few visitors whokicked because we did not serve beer with the free lunches we gave, butPerkins was unyielding on that point. Cloverdale was to be a temperancetown, and he held that it would be inconsistent to give free beer. Butthe trump card was our guarantee that the lots would advance twenty percent, within twelve months. We could do that well enough, for we madethe price ourselves; but it made a fine impression, and the lots beganto sell like hot cakes.

  80]

  There were ten streets in Cloverdale (on paper) and ten avenues (also onpaper); and Perkins used to walk up and down them (not on the paper, butbetween the stakes that showed their future location), and admire thetown of Cloverdale as it was to be. He would stand in front of the plotof weeds that was the site of the opera-house, and get all enrapt andenthusiastic just thinking how fine that opera-house would be some day;and then he would imagine he was on our street-car line going downto the library. But the thing Perkins liked best was to go to church.Whenever he passed one of the corner lots that we had set aside for achurch, he would take off his hat and look sober, as a man ought when hehas suddenly run into an ennobling religious atmosphere.

  One day a man came out from Chicago, and, after looking over our ground,told us he wanted to take ten lots; but none suited him but the tenfacing on First Avenue at the corner of First Street. Perkins tried toargue him into taking some other lots, but he wouldn't. Perkins and Italked it over, and, as the man wanted to build ten houses, we decidedto sell him the lots.

  We thought a town ought to have a few houses, and so far Cloverdale hadnothing but the Club-house. As we had previously sold all the other lotson First Street, we had no place on that street to put the First StreetChurch, so Perkins rubbed it off the map, and marked it at the corner ofFirst Avenue and Fifth Street.

  The next day a man came down who wanted a site for a grocery. We wereglad to see him, for every first-class town ought to have a grocery; butPerkins balked when he insisted on having the lot at the corner of SixthAvenue and Sixth Street that we had set aside for the First MethodistChurch. Perkins said he would never feel quite himself again if he hadto think that he had been taking off his hat to a grocery every time hepassed that lot. It would lower his self-respect. I was afraid we weregoing to lose the grocer to save Perkins's self-respect. Then we saw wecould move the church to the corner of Sixth Avenue and Fifth Street.

  When we once got those churches on the move, there seemed to be nostopping. We doubled the price, but still people wanted those lots, andin the end they got them; and as soon as we sold out a church lot,we moved the church up to Fifth Street, and in a bit Perkins gotenthusiastic over the idea, and moved the rest of the churches there onhis own accord. He said it would be a great "ad."--a street of churches;and it would concentrate the ennobling religious atmosphere, and make itmore powerful.

  All this time the lots continued to sell beyond our expectations; andby the end of the year we had advanced the price of lots one hundred percent., and were considering another advance. We did not think it fair tothe sweltering Chicago public to advance the price without giving it achance to get the advantage of our fresh air and pure water at the oldprice, so we told them of the contemplated rise. We let them know it bymeans of bill-boards and newspapers and circular letters and magazines;and a great many people gladly availed themselves of our thoughtfulnessand our guarantee that we would advance the price twenty-per cent, onthe first day of June.

  So many, in fact, bought lots before the advance that we had none leftto advance. Perkins came to me one morning, with tears in his eyes,and explained that we had made a promise, and could not keep it. Wehad agreed to advance the lots twenty per cent., and we had nothing toadvance.

  "Well, Perky," I said, "it is no use crying. What is done is done. Areyou sure there are no lots left?"

  "William," he said, seriously, "we think a great deal of these churches,don't we?"

  "Yes!" I exclaimed. "We do! We think an ennobling religiousatmosphere--" But he cut me short.

  "William," he said, "do you know what we are doing? We talk about ourennobling religious atmosphere, but we are standing in the path ofprogress. A mighty wave of reform is sweeping through Christendom.The new religious atmosphere is sweeping out the old religiousatmosphere. I can feel it. Brotherly love is knocking out the sects.Shall Cloverdale cling to the old, or shall it stand as the leader inthe movement for a reunited Church?"

  I clasped Perkins's hand.

  "A tabernacle!" I cried.

  "Right!" exclaimed Perkins. "Why ten conflicting churches? Why not onegrand meeting-place--all faiths--no creeds! Bring the people closertogether--spread an ennobling religious atmosphere that is worth talkingabout!"

  "Perkins," I said, "what you have done for religion will not beforgotten."

  He waved my praise away airily.

  "I have buyers," he said, "for the nine church lots at the advancedprice." Considering that the land practically cost us nothing, we madeone hundred and six thousand dollars on the Cloverdale deal. Perkins andI were out that way lately; and there is still nothing on the land butthe Club-house, which needs paint and new glass in the windows. Whenwe reached the Fifth Street Church, we paused, and Perkins took offhis hat. It was a noble instinct, for here was one church that neverquarrelled with its pastor, to which all creeds were welcome, and thathad no mortgage.

  "Some of these days," said Perkins, "we will build the tabernacle. Wewill come out and carry on our great work of uniting the sects. We willbuild a city here, surrounded by an ennobling religious atmosphere--arefined, exclusive city. The time is almost ripe. By the time theselot-holders pay another tax assessment, they will be sick enough
. We canget the lots for almost nothing."