Best Short Stories Read online

  HE OBEYED

  A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from herchildren. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little son Johnto close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house.

  "But, mother," began John.

  "John, I told you to shut the trap."

  "Yes, but, mother--"

  "John, shut that trap!"

  "All right, mother, if you say so--but--"

  "John!"

  Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hourslater the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was stayingwith the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed,"Where can Aunt Mary be?"

  "I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof."

  FAIR WARNING

  Andrew Carnegie said:

  "I was traveling Londonward on an English railway last year, and hadchosen a seat in a non-smoking carriage. At a wayside station a manboarded the train, sat down in my compartment, and lighted a vile claypipe.

  "This is not a smoking carriage," said I.

  "'All right, Governor,' said the man. 'I'll just finish this pipe here.'

  "He finished it, then refilled it.

  "'See here,' I said, 'I told you this was not a smoking carriage. If youpersist with that pipe I shall report you at the next station to theguard.' I handed him my card. He looked at it, pocketed it, but lightedhis pipe nevertheless. At the next station, however, he changed toanother compartment.

  "Calling the guard, I told him what had occurred, and demanded that thesmoker's name and address be taken.

  "'Yes, sair,' said the guard, and hurried away. In a little while hereturned. He seemed rather awed and, bending over me, saidapologetically:

  "'Do you know, sir, if I were you I would not prosecute that gent. Hehas just given me his card. Here it is. He is Mr. Andrew Carnegie.'"

  PREPAREDNESS

  Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.

  Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the hostknew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the midstof the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the company,bidding each a profound farewell.

  "But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not goin' yet, with theevenin' just started?"

  "Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin'ye good-night while I know ye all."

  FULL SPEED AHEAD

  He was the slowest boy on earth, and had been sacked at three places intwo weeks, so his parents had apprenticed him to a naturalist. But evenhe found him slow. It took him two hours to give the canaries theirseed, three to stick a pin through a dead butterfly, and four to pick aconvolvulus. The only point about him was that he was willing.

  "And what," he asked, having spent a whole afternoon changing thegoldfishes' water, "shall I do now, sir?"

  The naturalist ran his fingers through his locks.

  "Well, Robert," he replied at length, "I think you might now take thetortoise out for a run."

  PLAYING SAFE

  A lady recently selecting a hat at a milliner's asked, cautiously:

  "Is there anything about these feathers that might bring me into troublewith the Bird Protection Society?"

  "Oh, no, madam," said the milliner.

  "But did they not belong to some bird?" persisted the lady.

  "Well, madam," returned the milliner, pleasantly, "these feathers arethe feathers of a howl; and the howl, you know, madam, seein' as 'owfond he is of mice, is more of a cat than a bird."

  WORDS FAILED HER

  The budding authoress had purchased a typewriter, and one morning theagent called and asked:

  "How do you like your new typewriter, madam?"

  "It's wonderful!" was the enthusiastic reply. "I wonder how I ever donemy writing without it."

  "Would you mind," asked the agent, "giving me a little testimonial tothat effect?"

  "Certainly not," she responded. "I'll do it gladly."

  Seating herself at the machine, she pounded out the following:

  Aafteb Using thee Automatid Backactiom atype write, er for thre emonth%an d Over. I unhesittattingly pronoun ce it tobe al ad more than th eManufacturss claim! for it. Durinb the tim e been in myy possessio n $ithre month it had more th an paid paid for itse*f in thee saVing off time anD laborr?

  ONE WAY OUT

  One of the congregation of a church not far from Boston approached herpastor with the complaint that she was greatly disturbed by theunmelodious singing of one of her neighbors.

  "It's positively unbearable!" she said. "That man in the pew in front ofus spoils the service for me. His voice is harsh and he has no idea of atune. Can't you ask him to change his pew?"

  The good pastor was sorely perplexed. After a few moments' reflection,he said, "Well, I naturally would feel a little delicacy on that score,especially as I should have to tell him why I asked it. But I'll tellyou what I might do." Here his face became illuminated by a happythought. "I might ask him to join the choir."

  HOW WAR BEGAN

  There have been a great many explanations for war, but the followingappears to have its special merits:

  The world was supplied with an original producer; namely, Woman.

  Woman produced babies.

  The babies grew up and produced tradespeople.

  The tradespeople produced goods with which to supply the woman.

  The goods, coming into competition with each other, owing to thedifferent parts of the world wherein they were manufactured, producedtrouble.

  The trouble produced international jealousies.

  The international jealousies produced war.

  Then the war proceeded to destroy the women and babies, because it wasthrough woman in the beginning that war became possible.

  MATRIMONIAL ENDURANCE

  A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had anamusing old colored woman for a cook.

  One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for themistress the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husbandsend you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

  "Certainly, my husband, mammy," proudly answered the lady.

  "Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."

  MISSING IT

  The folks in the southern part of Arkansas are not noted for theirspeed.

  A man and his wife were sitting on their porch when a funeral processionpassed the house. The man was comfortably seated in a chair that wastilted back against the house, and was whittling a piece of wood. As theprocession passed, he said:

  "I reckon ol' man Williams has got about the biggest funeral that's everbeen held around hyer, Caroline."

  "A purty good-sized one, is it, Bud?" queried the wife, making no effortto move.

  "Certainly is!" Bud answered.

  "I surely would like to see it," said the woman. "What a pity I ain'tfacin' that way!"