The Water Goats, and Other Troubles Read online

  II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS

  On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home atWestcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thiefin the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he wasasleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes afterthree in the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock.Even when he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule tocatch the nine o'clock train home.

  When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same--morning, shegazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was inthe satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay asa legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr.Billings's coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed.Protruding from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle,half full of milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searchingMr. Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful.

  In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such asladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, andthese curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived intohis trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in alady's handkerchief, with the initials "T. M. C." embroidered in onecorner.

  All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer andproceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned,stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hoppedbriskly out of bed.

  "You got in late last night," said Mrs. Billings pleasantly.

  If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken.He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clearconscience.

  "Indeed I did, Mary," he said. "It was three when I entered the house,for the clock was just striking."

  "Something must have delayed you," suggested Mrs. Billings.

  "Otherwise, dear," said Mr. Billings, "I should have been home muchsooner.

  "Probably," said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastictone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patentnursing-bottle, "this had something to do with your being delayed!"

  Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out hiswatch and looked at that.

  "My dear," he said, "you are right. It did. But I now have just timeto gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return fromtown, I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle,and how it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I begyou--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no uneasiness."

  With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wifesaw him running for his train.

  All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, andas soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into thelibrary.

  "Now, Rollin?" she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began.

  I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE

  You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in ouroffice building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is.He is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he isalways so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothingof this when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterdayevening. I was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon aspossible, and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid hishand gently on my arm.

  "I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings," he said politely, "but would yo' dome a favour?"

  "Certainly, Lemuel," I said; "how much can I lend you?"

  "'Tain't that, sah," he said. "I wish t' have a word or two in privatewith yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git thesefolks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?"

  I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I wasnot unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as hedesired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he hadtaken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door andcame in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office nextto mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyesbefore. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began tospeak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side.

  "Mr. Billings," said the young man, "you may think it strange that Ishould come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances,but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted yourkind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me Iinstantly thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help meout of my difficulty."

  While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance atthe young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. Ialso saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also,was in great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I shouldnot be made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already toolate for the six-two.

  "Good!" he cried. "For several years Madge--who is this young lady--andI have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but herfather and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at thisminute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other wayfor us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also thefoot of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's fatherwas sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes ofsix, and at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away,and have us married."

  "To--" I began.

  "To each other," said the young man with emotion.

  "But I thought that was what you wanted?" I exclaimed.

  "Not at all! Not at all!" said the young man, and the young woman addedher voice in protest, too. "I am the head of the Statistical Departmentof the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, andthe work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forcedmarriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred andfour cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found thateighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In theface of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to bemarried against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily."

  "That could be easily arranged," I ventured to say, "in view of the factthat both your fathers wish you to be married."

  "Not at all," said Madge, with more independence than I had thought hercapable of; "because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen ofthe old school. I would not say anything against either father, for inordinary affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen,but in this they hold to the old-school idea that children should allowtheir parents to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henryand I allow ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that,in spite of the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happinessdepends on our getting out of this building before they can come up andget us. That is why we appeal to you."

  "If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said," said Henry, pullinga large roll of paper out of his pocket, "here are the statistics."

  "Very well," I said, "I will help you, if I can do so and not miss thesix-thirty train. What is your plan?"

  "It is very simple," said Henry. "Our fathers are both quitenear-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally becomegreatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of smallthings. I have brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blackenmy face, and I will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one momentnecessary to escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, onthe other hand, will whiten his face with some powder that Madge hasbrought, and will wear my clothes, and in the excitement my father willseize him instead of me."

  "Excellent," I said, "but what part do I play in this?"

  "This part," said Henry, "you will wear, over your street clothes, agown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has alsobrought, both of which her father
will easily recognize, while Madgewill redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calicodress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for ascrub-woman.

  "And then?" I asked.

  "Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if youwere Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and thescrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's fatherwill seize you and Lemuel--"

  "And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectablebusiness man rigged up in woman's clothes," I said.

  "Not at all," said Madge, "for